Static: Wednesday, September 05, 2002
A D V E R T I S E M E N T
A D V E R T I S E M E N T
Voter Remonstration

People in faraway countries are literally dying for the right to cast votes in democratic elections. That fact is necessary for Static to lay a proper guilt trip on Fort Worth residents who ignored the recent election for a new school board president. Less than 3 percent of registered voters bothered to go to the polls, despite a struggling school district facing escalating dropout rates, an FBI investigation of construction payments, and a top-heavy, overpaid administration cutting vital student programs.

Oh, wait ... just remembered something: Static didn’t vote either. Who cares about school boards when more important elections must be considered, most notably the selection of a new idol? For weeks, Static faithfully watched American Idol, a tv show that auditioned 10,000 wannabe pop stars, narrowed them to about 100, televised their performances, and relied on audience call-in votes to select the most talented entertainer, who will nab a record deal and supposedly become the next Big Thing.

Sadly, Static concluded that none of the contestants were star material, even the top three finalists, including two women from the Fort Worth area. Kelly Clarkson, 20, of Burleson, was clearly the most talented and likeable. Her voice soared, and she exuded an enticing combination of innocence and sexiness. Still, she lacks the so-called X-factor that elevates merely talented entertainers to full-blown star status. She also displayed an irritating habit of incessant pointing, waving, and winking at audience members, like a politician with a nervous tic.

(Note to Clarkson’s parents and friends who might read this and get pissed off: Static once met LeAnn Rimes backstage at Johnnie High’s Country Music Revue shortly after she recorded “Blue” in 1996. She was about 13 at the time. Static described her to a friend later that night over beers. “She’s got a good voice but she’s boring as hell, chubby, and not very pretty — a one-hit wonder who won’t amount to much.” Rimes would later win two Grammy Awards, sell millions of records, hire a personal trainer and makeup artist, and transform herself into a superstar hottie. Static’s friend went on to devote the rest of his life to snide phone calls. “Hey, that fat, ugly, loser is on tv again; thought you’d want to know,” he has said in countless phone calls since 1996.)

So, maybe Clarkson will prevail after all. She, too, can prove Static wrong, make it big, become a spoiled diva, sue her father, butcher “Purple Rain,” and become a has-been before she’s even old enough to run for Congress.

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