FREE WILL ASTROLOGY: Wednesday, October 1, 2003

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Today on our planet, five million lightning bolts will flash between earth and sky. At any given moment, two thousand thunderstorms are raging. While you may not see one of these elemental outbreaks in the coming week, I believe you will channel a similar kind of energy: You’ll be fiercely and tenderly alive with the blended force of primal fire and water. This doesn’t mean you’ll careen out of control; you may be able to express this booming power in its most constructive form, cleansing and clarifying everything you touch.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): My investigation of recent Taurean behavior reveals that you have committed two spankable offenses. I will not authorize any enforcers to apply their palms forcefully to your buttocks — not yet, anyway. First I want to give you a chance to atone, by filling in the gaps in your understanding and ripening the attitudes that led to your deviation from the righteous path. Or would you prefer to avoid the hard work of making amends and instead just accept the swats?

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): I should caution you that this horoscope may be banned in certain areas around the world where silky, uproarious techniques of sacred yumyum are considered dangerous to the status quo. The fact is, you have the potential to be a genius of love in the coming weeks. You are poised to discover pleasure that would make plain old ordinary hedonism irrelevant. A previously unimaginable level of erotic mastery is within your reach. Now memorize this coded message: free-surging fearless wide-awake rapture-wrestler.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Help Wanted: Practical dreamers with high emotional intelligence to become experts in the following subjects: the art of possessing abundant resources without feeling greed or superiority; the science of cultivating luxurious comfort in a way that does not lead to spiritual sloth; and a knack for enjoying peace and serenity without diluting ambition. Applicants should be members of the Cancerian tribe. Send evidence of your skills to Poised Plenitude, c/o

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Your body is more flexible than usual these days, and your willpower is extraordinarily supple. Even when you’re tired, your voice is a healing melody; when you’re well-rested, your words can disperse tensions that have lingered for a long time. Your ability to protect and inspire others reminds me of a mother dispensing snappy wisdom to her children. I swear you could hypnotize an agitated rattlesnake or gently crack open a closed mind.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Do you have affluenza? That’s the sluggish, unfulfilled feeling you get from struggling to keep up with the Joneses; the stress, overwork, waste, and indebtedness caused by addiction to consumer goods. Symptoms include paying more for a t-shirt if it has a cool corporate logo on it, willingness to work 40 years at a job you hate to get lots of stuff, and believing that if you buy the dress, the party will come. If you have even a mild case, I recommend that you seek a cure in the coming days. The time is ripe to learn about having fun and living successfully without spending lots of money.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): On my 20th birthday, I found a big bag on a vacant lot. Odd symbols adorned the outside. Inside were preserved specimens of a hummingbird, snake, bat, lizard, frog, and praying mantis. My roommate speculated that the animals were raw materials for a magic spell and that the symbols were ancient alchemical formulas. Maybe it was coincidence, but the next month was a miracle. I met two new lifelong friends, discovered the person who became my greatest teacher, and got a first glimpse of my life’s purpose. If you’re alert as you wander through the world, you will come upon a comparable good-luck treasure this week.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): By a margin of 4 to 1, my Scorpio readers have voted to impose on me a six-week ban on all references to maddening ambiguity. You’re weary of grappling with enigmas wrapped inside conundrums. You want earthy instructions and simple truths. Maybe I’ll start obeying your orders next week, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t let you know that you’re about to be offered odd gifts from people in transition, benevolent interventions that require major course corrections, and mysterious help from the Great Beyond.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): To the naked eye of the casual observer, there won’t seem to be enough love or money or other good stuff to go around this week. But if I’m reading the omens correctly, you will be able to magically stretch and expand the resources to fulfill not only your own needs but those of a small multitude. Just assume, then, that you’ll have the same mojo that Jesus allegedly had when he fed 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fishes.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): “New studies of the brain suggest that play may be as important to life as sleeping and dreaming,” writes Stuart Brown in National Geographic. Science is on the verge of confirming what we play activists have always preached: To be a healthy master of reality, you have to play every day. This is always true, of course, but it’s twice as true for you right now. To make sure you know exactly what we’re talking about, study Brown’s definition: “Play is spontaneous, pleasurable behavior that has no clear-cut goal and does not conform to a stereotypical pattern.”

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Are you afraid of what you want? Suspicious of success? Suffering from a hope deficit? Do you go numb in the presence of possibilities that should excite you? Then this week will be a boon. You’ll get a chance to pull off a rare form of exorcism — not of grotesque demons and ghosts, but of the jaded cynicism that subtly corrodes your intelligence. Take this opportunity to cleanse yourself of the reflexive doubts that the world around you has brainwashed you into regarding as normal.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): The daily grind is on the verge of crushing your spirit; you’re way too close to giving in to the petty pressures of everyday insanity. I think you’re ready to indulge in what Baudelaire called “a taste for the infinite.” More than that: You desperately need to cultivate a voracious hunger for the infinite. Call it going back to your spiritual roots, talking to God, expanding your consciousness, or meditating till your heart melts into union with your eternal source. You’ve got to get yourself some deep and intimate communion with the Divine Wow.

Homework: Try to peek into your subconscious mind and figure out the most important truth to which you have been utterly oblivious. Share it at

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