FREE WILL ASTROLOGY: Wednesday, May 30, 2002

ARIES (March 21-April 19): When I launched my career as a horoscope columnist, my Aries editor advised me, ďAlways emphasize the big three. Money, love, and power are what people care about most.Ē When he realized after a few months that Iíd just as soon write about Jungian archetypes, tantric rituals, and lucid dreams, he downsized me. To this day, Iím chronically worried I donít give you Rams enough lowdown on the big three. Luckily, thatís not a problem now, because I can in good conscience assert that the future is pregnant with opportunities for you to become more powerful by spending money on love, to grow richer by being a powerfully sensitive lover, and to attract more love by bringing greater subtlety to your pursuit of money and power.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Iím pleased to announce that the cosmos has given you poetic license to be very demanding this week ó as long as youíre not rude, frivolous, or unreasonable. Here are some examples of ultimatums that will pass the test: I demand that everyone get drunk on the truth with me. I demand to grow younger every day. I demand that everyone I love help me undo the black magic Iíve inadvertently performed on myself. On the other hand, Taurus, the following ultimatums are not acceptable: I demand tribute, you fools. I demand that a surrogate mommy cut all the crusts off my sandwiches. I demand that the river flow backward.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): I think itís high time you dreamed up a few new vices. The old ones donít pack the educational punch they once had. Iíd love to see you try some really rambunctious diversions, like eating ripe figs while playing with rubber duckies in a public fountain with your silk pajamas on, or toppling the icons and idols you once believed in but no longer do, or finally risking what you were forbidden or too inhibited to do when you were in 10th grade. Itís your choice as to how you depart from the same old boring mischief. P.S. Donít tell anyone I suggested this.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): I propose that you play a prank on yourself, Cancerian. While putting on your shirt or blouse some morning, fasten the top button in the second hole, the second button in the third hole, and so on all the way down. Then preserve this dishevelment the rest of the day, summoning all your dignity in the face of odd stares and snide comments. If anyone says, ďHey, your shirtís buttoned wrong,Ē reply, ďNo it isnít. I buttoned it this way on purpose.Ē And the purpose of this exercise? To practice maintaining your composure and sense of self in the face of a twist that might normally throw you off-center. Itíll be a great rehearsal for the other challenges headed your way.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Before proceeding any further, please arrange for a bright companion to rub your shoulders while thinking tender thoughts about you. This is no joke. I urge you not to read on until you are feeling well loved and appreciated. Why? Because you are most likely to express your full potential in the coming week if you are steeped in the influences of people who see the best in you. Donít just wait around and hope for this to come your way. Get out there and make it happen.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Itís the Rock Star phase of your astrological cycle, when you have license to inject your confidence with the metaphorical equivalent of steroids. Iím pleased to grant you the authority to whisper or bellow the following truths thousands of times in the coming week. 1. ďI am a graceful genius who motivates people to do whatís difficult but right.Ē 2. ďMy well-hung mind is a fount of healing surprises.Ē 3. ďI am a fascinating fertility god/goddess with a knack for continually reinventing the art of liberation.Ē

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I predict that even those of you who are devout atheists and orthodox agnostics will have a brain-cleansing, heart-expanding, sphincter-relaxing religious experience this week ó though you might go through contortions trying to deny it. Just imagine what awaits you, then, if you already kinda sorta believe thereís more to reality than what your five senses reveal to you. Let the divine mutation begin!

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Before I become a geezer, I hope to eradicate all my ďisms.Ē Iíve made stunning progress at purging the sexism, racism, classism, and looksism I absorbed while growing up. Iíve still got a ways to go with my ageism, egotism, and capitalism. And then thereís signism, as in showing favoritism toward certain signs of the zodiac ó some readers have recently complained that Iím way too soft on Scorpios. All I can say is that I get turned on by persons who devote ingenious courage to dismantling their dogmas. You have more than earned my mushy love letters. Please continue.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): What do you say we get drunk, stay up all night, and talk about our relationship, Sagittarius? Unless of course youíre an alcoholic, in which case letís not get drunk. But in either case, letís definitely err on the side of playful poetry, not smarmy sincerity. Letís promise never to use the expressions ďIím feeling vulnerableĒ or ďI hear what youíre saying.Ē Instead, letís communicate our true colors by finger-painting on the walls and singing our favorite songs at the top of our lungs. We can tell each otherís fortunes, stage a burping contest, and make funny faces until weíre so punchy that we spill all the priceless secrets that are aching to erupt. Any other ideas? Write and tell me at zen

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Whatís the greatest lie in my life? Maybe the way I try to hide how sensitive I am to criticism. Or maybe my tendency to pretend it doesnít bother me that my music has never gotten much attention. And how about you, Capricorn? I predict that the most glaring dishonesty in your life will soon crawl into your lap and demand a changed relationship with you. Whatever you do, donít spit on it, ridicule it, or ignore it.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): I hope youíre in the habit of remembering your dreams each morning. You had a really important one recently. In it, you were exploring the pleasures of chocolate-flavored toothpaste and a brand new aerobic workout that involved a tandem ďsexercise bicycle.Ē Hereís my interpretation of the dreamís meaning: In your waking life youíre on the verge of finding ways to make self-discipline feel really good. Also, Aquarius, do you recall another dream, in which I gave a guinea pig a makeover before its big audition? The guinea pig was a symbol for you.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): I dare you to write a letter to the person youíll be one year from today. Tell this Future You that youíve taken a vow to accomplish three amazing feats by then. Say why these feats are so important to you. Describe them. Brainstorm about everything youíll do to make them happen. Draw pictures or compose collages that capture your excitement. When youíve finished this letter, mail it, along with a self-addressed stamped envelope to me at PO Box 150628, San Rafael, CA 94915. Iíll mail it back to you in June of 2003.

Homework: Describe the tree house you would like to build one day and what pleasures you would like to pursue there. Write:

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